If only
by Antinom
Summary: Shinji is getting really confused about his feelings, plus Kaworu is acting really weird now. Could it mean what he thinks?


Hi guys! Yes, I am back and I wrote a story about Shinji and Kaworu, hope you like it. Check my other stories if you want to. I'll start producing more stories if you guys want to! Just say it.

 **Only if it happened**

Kaworu looked at Shinji's shy face. He knew better.

Shinji always were very insecure about certain aspects of his life. He was pretty determined about some things, but others… Some subjects were very complicated. He needed someone special in his life. Sometimes he thought about Asuka, yes, she was perfect. Insolent, impetuously driven, however, she was the perfect piece of the puzzle that would complement his personality. Yes! She was really good at being what he needed. Her red hair, her lips… That kiss… everything they lived together. Nothing. He could not feel anything for her. Deep down he knew he loved women, nonetheless, there was not enough fire to lighten his heart, there was not any warm feeling towards her. Only love, yet not quite the love he truly wished for.

Shinji was lying on his bed looking at the ceiling, as he would always do every night. Confused. Dangerously confused. He wanted to feel that way. The other day, Kaworu said some very nice words to him… He confused him. Kaworu was just being very nice. It was just that. Kaworu was an excellent person and truly cared for everyone else, especially Shinji. He only talked to him a few times. But wow… those few times looked like years, years of being with Kaworu, the two of them just there, talking, looking at one another. Those moments were meaningful. Those moments just gave Shinji a reason to live. At that point, all that mattered was just hearing Kaworu's voice. He loved that sweet and tender voice of him. It just cuddled his heart… But there was a problem. Even though Kaworu seemed to like him very much, he never really showed any interest. Sometimes, it even looked liked Kaworu was ignoring him. Maybe Kaworu was just trying to be nice to him because he knew how much Shinji had suffered. Maybe he was just trying to fix Shinji's heart… The problem was, Kaworu had stayed there too much time. Naturally, Shinji was developing feelings for him. No one had ever done what Kaworu was doing, no one… He made Shinji feel special… Shinji was still staring at the ceiling… Hoping that the silent white would reveal him the answers… But it was just that… Silence and nothingness, the effect of not moving, of letting things don't happen. That way Shinji would still suffer, but it would not really matter because in his dreams, Kaworu would always be there and in reality they were just really good friends. That was definitely what he wanted, he wanted things to be like that. It would force him to live the emotional binding wheel of pain, nevertheless, he would not have to hear the no. He beyond doubt knew, that Kaworu was not really going to date him, Kaworu was just simply a very kind guy that cared. Shinji assumed a fetal position whilst clinging his eyes into the white veil canopy.

He remembered the day. That day when he had the semi-confirmation… When he saw the two of them together. They were intrinsically content. They were radiating joy and bliss. They were true to one another. They mimicked one another perfectly. Kaworu and that random girl…. Kaworu was slightly drunk and so was she. At that moment they seemed to be in perfect synchrony. That feeling both disgusted him and pleased him at the same time. He knew they probably would be good lovers, Kaworu and that girl, however, part of him simply died when he would think of that, probably because he also really loved him. To be able to touch that silky skin, that pure ashen hair, those temperate and soft lips, those tender and lovable eyes… Shinji just loved him too much, but he knew his father would not approve his relationship… Shinji let a regretful tear cascade trough his hurt skin. Remembering that and so many other moments made him think that he did not had any chance. He knew the chances were 0,0000000000% as Misato would say.

"Ding-Ding." - The doorbell rang.

Shinji heard Misato saying the name that made his heart turn into a weird mixture of colors.

He heard someone knock on the door. Without hesitation, the person who was behind the door started opening it, letting the light illuminate that lonely room where Shinji was. He turned his head to right. Shinji looked in the eyes of the other person. His brown eyes got caught in that scarlet look of the other boy. It was Kaworu… and he was not alone.

Should I continue it? Please review. It means the world to me and I promise I will finish my pending stories :P


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